Grand ‘Slam-e-Ishq’

Indians have been the source of upheaval now for the last few years. And this has not been restricted to any one field (like BPO), either. Now, it crosses boundaries, borders, barriers, races (the Jane Goody sort) and everything else that stands in its way. It total mayhem. It’s Salaam-e-Ishq. One would also have to struggle to find so many high-performing couples in the Australian Open mixed doubles. Hm. Bad joke. There’s plenty more ahead!

If any of you have ever seen a movie called “Love Actually“, you can relate to this one a bit easier. There are six-and-a-half couple (I’ll come to the half later) which makes the main cast of 13. All the best keeping up with what’s going on! So let me start with the stories I like best and end with the ones I don’t:

Gia (Ayesha Takia) and Shiven (Akshaye Khanna) are engaged to be married. But “Mr Most Eligible Bachelor in Delhi” (no explanations as to why he is that) can’t make up his mind. So keeps listening to inane remarks from a friend (some VJ in a past life) about what he should be doing. So while he desperately tries to get out of his wedding, it keeps backfiring. Eventually he manages to get out. Only to want to get married at the end. D-uh, what did you expect? Akshaye Khanna rocks, Ayesha Takia is a rock, Prem Chopra (as Gia’s father) is a waste in a stereotypical Army-dad role, the story is as close to reality as it gets. If they ever come out with a DVD of only this story, it may sell more than the whole movie!

Welcome back, Govinda-ji (he is still an MP, so show some respect). All his detractors (including those who live in his constituency) should watch his role here and forgive his inactiveness as Member of Parliament. Bhai, effort dekhiye! It’s not easy to come up with a character who is as incomprehensible as the sound system in the theatre. He mumbles half his lines (as if he was getting late for Parliament) and has through some scenes. But he does portray his character (Raju, the Taxi-driver) rather well. As does the Renee Zellweger lookalike Shannon Esrechowitz (Stephanie). To cut to the chase, he loves her (again, no idea why) and is waiting for her to return (like I said before, no clue why). So, like a dutiful Hindi movie actress, she does. But kahani mein twist. She returns for NRI boy whatsisname and not our Raju. Heartbreak. But in true taxi driver style (remember AB in Khuddar?), he decides, “Inko to main manzil tak pahuncha ke rahoonga”. Wah Wah. Incidentally, his taxi has a name I can’t quite recall right now! So he goes north-India touring with her chasing NRI-boy, only to find him getting married to Ayesha Takia (watch the movie to find out how THAT happened) and walk out on him. Hugs and kisses. Flowers and the lot. Badhai ho badhai! Next, please.

Juhi Chawla (Seema Malhotra; how predictable) is married to Anil Kapoor (Vinay Malhotra; need I say it?) and they have the perfect suburban house, good job, kids and the lot. So what’s the problem, mister? Problem is that mister hits 40. And he decides to get naughty. On his way from work one day (where he sits waiting for the clock to strike 5:30 daily), he notices (and how!) Anjali (without a second name). She is all his wife isn’t. So he falls. Very hard too. And then the usual cat-and-mouse game follows. Eventually, wife finds out, things are about to go south, but they sit on a plane and instead head east. To India, that is. Arrey bhai, Gia is marrying someone. Till this time, it is rather unclear who that would be. Did we ever mention that Gia and Seema are sisters? No? Well, now you know. In the wedding (Gia’s), everything is all right again. Flowers are falling, hugs are happening, kissing is not for the married in public, it seems. Tsk.

But a point to note: Perhaps we have found the next Malaika Arora. I have spent many a sleepless night wondering who will replace her once she decides to hang up her heels. Well, fear no more, Anjana Sukhani (of Humdum infamy) is here. I can sleep peacefully once again. (And she’s so modest…, sniff!). Oh, and she is the ‘half’ of the six-and-a-half couples.

(All Photos above copyright IndiaFM.com)

Now then. All the nice anf funny bits are almost over and it’s time for the sob-fest. Enter Ashutosh (John Abraham) and Tehzeeb Husain (Vidya Balan). Vidya Balan is perhaps making a speciality of being a ‘handicapped’ character. She was physically handicapped in Guru, while here, she has an accident and suffers partial memory loss due to lack of oxygen to the temporal lobe. Whatever. So she cannot recognise husband, but can recognise parents. So husband dear takes her all over the country and even asks for his father’s hate (he actually tells his fater, “Hate her, Babuji, hate her.”) so she may remember something. Why hate? Because she’s Muslim and he’s Hindu. You must watch more movies, I say. Net, net… they land up at Akshaye Khanna’s house and their privately public (A Khanna is the only one present) convinces Khanna of love etc and that’s how he decides that he does love the Takia girl and must marry her. Now how Balan and Abraham end up at Khanna’s house… spend the money, dude/babe!

If you are a fan of Salman Khan, you may want to skip this part. If not, enjoy!

Salman Khan has decided that he has an accent. “Hey, he’s travelled to abroad often enough to have many accents,” you say? But he has an accent for Hindi. Almost like trying to say, “Hey, he’s travelled often enough to India to know some Hindi”. Anyways. As Rahul (and sometimes Raul, watch the movie, man), he falls in love with Kkamini (Priyanka Chopra) and then tries to show her that he was just living up to the ‘deal’ they have of him being her girlfriend so she can get a role in Karan Johar’s next film. Go figure. So the poor thing who is (and has the IQ of one) an item dancer, is confused. Beyond repair. It’s so bad that one night she ends up in front of Anil Kapoor (remember dear Mr 40?) and manages to know everything about his life psychic-ally! Wowee. Anyways, in Gia’s wedding, she comes and proposes to Zalman Khan. Notice the bold shift in Bollywood where the heroine is now proposing to the hero. How times change…

Of all the couples, Isha Koppikar (character name can’t be remembered) and Sohail Khan (character name cannot be remembered!) are the best.

They are newly-weds and virgins. He wants to get jiggy with it, she is not in a hurry. He tries a few times only to have rather disastrous results (house on fire on suhaag raat, car on top of the new house later, both in hospital etc). It’s all a bit funny for a while, until finally, when in a train, they ‘do it’ making the most of a series of tunnels. Quite funny actually. And Sohail Khan excels in a role where there are no dialogues, no scope to ham, flex muscles, act or in general, be himself. The character is too strong! Oh, and there’s Isha Koppikar too.

Last Para: It’s a movie that may be watched if tickets can be home-delivered wituout the hassle of standing in a line. If someone else is booking, all the better. Ensure the popcorn is good, the seats are comfortable, there are no kids around and you haven’t been awaiting this film for too long. If all above are as per advised, the film is eminently watchable.

Barring the title song, the music is below average, the direction okay, cinematography passable, lyrics awful and I’m sure other technicians were involved at some stage.

Honestly, wait for the DVD or the TV release!

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