What if gangsters had appraisals?

Hindi films have documented well that there is a hierarchy in gangs. People move up the ranks, some move out (not in the conventional sense of the word, if you know what I mean) and others, well… retire (again, not in the…). So how is the middle- to senior-management filled up? It’s not as vibrant a job market in that business. I mean, I haven’t heard of a ‘dhasujobs.com’ where the D-Company advertises for hiring. (Maybe there’s a good business model in there.) So one has to conclude that there have to be appraisals.

Like any good company, the underworld companies too have divisions with regional heads and their bosses and independent businesses to handle. Each would have its own way of ranking performance. My imagination only shows me about six divisions: Murder, Extortion & Recovery, Hawala, Construction, Films and Politics. Let me know if you can think of any more!

So how do you think the Head of Murder division appraised his sharpshooter?
HoM: To Hero. Tera kya target tha is saal ka?
Hero: Sab target hit kiya boss. Ek bhi miss nahi kiya.
HoM: Kitna tha saale?
Hero: Main thodi ginta hai. Ginti se kam hota hai boli maa. Tum ungli dikhata hai, appun ghoda chalata hai.
HoM: Ghoda ka baad mein.
Hero: Wo ghoda nahi, bandook ka ghoda.
HoM: Dekh. Saal ka start mein tereko 75 ka target tha. Tune total mein 102 maara. Bole to 34% overachieve kiya. But main sirf number nahin dekhta. Quality bhi important hai target ka.
Hero: Qwaltee ka kya? Mar gaya na. Bas.
HoM: Waise nahi. Q3 ka end tak tera sirf 44 hua tha. Phir last 3 mahine mein tu 58 kaise maara?
Hero: Wo big boss ka male aaya na. Wo samjhaya mereko ye target ka dhandha.
HoM: Isliye tu andu-pandu ko udaya? 58 mein se 30 ka to supari bhi nahi mila tha apne ko. Abhi Extortion wale ko wo extra target mila na. Kuch hua nahi to tera hi supari niklega.
Hero: Extortion wale ka kya hai. Phone karta hai aur mereko ko bhagna padta hai. Main apna kaam kum kiya. Abhi uska target nahi hua wo mera problem nahi hai.
HoM: Lekin 12 film wale kyon maare? Do poora film band ho gaya wo Films dept. ka.
Hero: Unka kya hai bhai… extortion ko bola, do phone kiya, chaar log wapas khada ho gaya.
HoM: Bahut gadbad kiya re tu. Teen builder ko kyon maara? Supari ek ka hi tha.
Hero: Recovery wala khaali baitha tha. Wo bola thoda kaam chahiye. Uska target kamti pad raha tha. Thoda help kiya. Mereko mangta tabhi wo help kar dega.
HoM: Saale end mein tera 72 hi hua. Baki ka supari milega to agle saal mein adjust karenge. Lekin naya policy aaya hai. Extra target carry over nahi hota aur shortfall hota hai.
Hero: Matlab?
HoM: Tera agla saal ka original target tha 90. Is saal ka 3 kamti hai. So abhi target hai 93.
Hero: Teen kamti? 93? Saale ye cheating hai.
HoM: Gaali nahi. Tera abhi ka pagaar hai Rs 50,000 per month. Is saal kharab performance hai. Apna lawyers ko extra 20 case aaya tera wajah se. Tera score to 2.3/5 hai re. Interpersonal skills mein worst. Bahut goli chalata hai bole sab.
Hero: Pagar badha ke nahi?
HoM: Rs 2,500 cut. Plus petrol allowance abhi sirf Rs 1,200. Aur mahine ka sirf 25 bullet.
Hero: Kya? Aur target 93? Bole to mahine mein 8 tapkane ka? Bole to har hit ke liye sirf 3 bullet? Bhai, sab shot pass se nahin hota.
HoM: Practice kar. Rubber bullet se.
Hero: Kayko. Idhar live target hai. Bang!

More departments coming soon. We are still awaiting the inputs from the various HODs.

P.S.: Concept by the wife!
P.P.S.: This is fiction. So please, no one take out a hit on me.