Herd mentality? Or pure stupidity? Why would anyone like a bomb blast headline? Or are we just compelled to click anything on Facebook?

Tough question, I know. But as a viewer or consumer of entertainment, I have to say, it’s not that hard to entertain me. I don’t demand complicated stories or over-the-top, unbelievable settings. In fact, I want quite the opposite. Something I can relate to. Something I can believe. Something I can smile with or occasionally, feel sad with. Unfortunately, no Hindi TV channel can offer me this.

When I ask for the above, I know I’m in the minority. But this is a sizeable minority, I would like to believe. Pundits would have other opinions supported by floors of papers and polls and research. But hey, no one asked me. Or anyone I know! And all of us want something simple.

Economics that run TV channels demand that they cater to the lowest common denominator. The result is the same type of ‘entertainment’ across channels. If you switched channels between shows, chances are, you won’t realise you’re watching another show until you check for the channel’s logo. Okay, I’m exaggerating, but if TV channels are allowed, so am I!

In the last dozen years or so, I have switched over to mostly English-language entertainment. This is not due to some urban superiority complex that compels me to renounce local/national language channels. No, sir. I definitely enjoy Hindi/Marathi plays, movies and even music. So why not TV?

Ask any number of people between 20 and 40 years of age (these are mostly people born post 1970) and they want light-hearted entertainment. If TV channels want demographics, one could argue that these are 99% urban/semi-urban, exposed to foreign culture and English movies or TV at an early age. Soap operas don’t interest us.

I know that for every English show, there is/has been a Hindi clone. (Who can forget the disastrous clone of Friends that aired some years back?). These obviously haven’t cut it. Some of the things we despise are:

1. Melodrama

2. Songs in TV shows that require dance support

3. Triple-takes (unless meant for comic relief!)

4. Bickering and/or familial problems blown out of proportion

I would like to see varied topics/subjects being dealt with. What does an urban-dweller want after 10 hours in the office? Comedy that is verbal and not physical. Situational is fine, but let it flow. Challenge our intelligence. Don’t make us vegetate. At least earn a smile from us. (Believe me, SAB TV hardly gets a grimace right now).

Speaking of SAB TV, they are the most honest attempt at entertaining. They do tackle varied backgrounds of people, but the subject matter largely remains same. This, of course, gives them the opportunity to create situational comedy, but more or less, this gets repeated.

In case some of the programming whizkids have not yet figured out, here are some of the shows that have done well and caught the fancy of me and others like me:

1. Friends (despite its over telecast, this will be one of the most popular shows of our generation)

2. Lost

3. Prison Break

4. CSI (pick a city!)

5. Dexter

6. Californication

7. Mad Men

8. Weeds

9. American Idol

10. MasterChef Australia (not USA, not India)

The above list is a variety. Comedy, drama, action, reality, suspense, family (Weeds!) and food. That, to me, is a huge subject choice to make something that appeals to us. Something that is not over the top, not hysterical (CID), not repetitive.

To make it easier, we want something that’s either/or funny (wittily and intelligently), inventive (original or inspired!), catchy (addictive) and well-made (high production value, please). It also wouldn’t hurt if it were rooted in reality (I’m sure they exist, but I don’t know too many massively large rich families that spend most of their waking hours feuding).

Anyone up for the challenge?

Photo courtesy

Of late, much has been consumed in the form of books and movies. Here’s a quick look at which measured up and which didn’t:

Steve Jobs: The Exclusive Biography by Walter Isaacson

When the subject grants you complete access, the information will be insightful and thorough. And Isaacson does justice to a subject who perhaps lived four lives in one.

What comes across is the fact that Jobs was no saint. He wasn’t the best human being who lived. But he was honest in his work (if not his personal life) and a visionary to boot. Isaacson doesn’t idolize Jobs but does a great job of bringing out the human side to the man we have come to idolize.

The detail in the book is fascinating and if anything, it reads more as a thriller than a biography. At the time I was reading this, I had glanced through a couple of other books and there was a 5-hour marathon reading I went through of this book.

One-word review: unputdownable!

Hesher (film)

I normally wouldn’t condone violence. But towards the makers of this disaster, I would. I don’t know why I sat through this ‘coming of age’ film. No one comes of age. All that happened was I aged.

IMDB excerpt says:

A young boy has lost his mother and is losing touch with his father and the world around him. Then he meets Hesher who manages to make his life even more chaotic.

Oh my god. How misleading. Seriously, watch this movie if you enjoy the sound of nails on a blackboard. Or if you love to see paint dry.

Yes, I know that IMDB users have rated this 7.1/10. I’m in the 2.9 category! It’s definitely not appealed to my cultural sensibilities. It’s just f****d up.

Vidya Balan and her cleavage steal the show. No doubts about it. Close second is Naseeruddin Shah’s hanging second chin (or is it the first?). Let’s just call it a jowl.

Now, Reshma is a village belle. She runs away on her wedding night to the big city. No problem. No accosting. No potential threats to her integrity. She finds herself housed with a local shopkeeper (Amma) who treats her almost like her daughter. And Reshma enjoys putting of the neighbours’ conjugal joys by making sounds of pleasure while eating what seems like Chivda.

She wants to be a film star (not actress, mind you, star). And so she queues up at the studios in Madras looking for any bit role. Offers the doorkeeper there ‘anything’ in return for entry into the studio. Gets money in return for nothing. Doesn’t spend it then, but eventually returns it. *facepalm*

She does make it into the studio, agrees to be whipped as part of the dance sequence and gets her first shot in front of the camera. Mind you, for an inexperienced girl, there’s no nerves, no jitters, no inexperience… just raunchy moves that turn everyone on!

Everyone, that is, except the real director who coincidentally on that day wasn’t shooting. He chides his assistants and threatens to burn the film. Until the producer rules that he will re-release the film in smaller centres with the song Reshma did.

During all this, poor Reshma is suffering. The song didn’t make the film, her dreams appear quashed. And she is aimlessly wandering from theater to theater. During one such wanderlust, she flirts with prostitution as a career, but instead, her mind convinces her that someone willing to pay her Rs 20 for an hour is a sign that there are others who will pay to see her on the screen. Oh, well.

Soon enough, producer of whip-song-movie finds her house and in a moment, renames her Silk. The credit goes to a passing hand-rickshaw with an ad for Silk Sarees. And so it begins… she stars opposite her favourite star Surya (Naseeruddin Shah and jowls) and almost mucks it up. Until that is, she fucks him up! Literally!

And so begins one sordid tale after another. Up until the above point, the movie is interesting. We have met all the main characters (Tusshar Kapoor is an also ran like all his movies). There is promise of a good story. Triumph against the odds kind of victory.

Unfortunately, too much raunchiness is not good for a film’s health. And the dialogue writers should have remembered it. One-liners stand out when repeated in different situations with different meanings. Or when interspersed with verbose communication. But if every line is a one-liner, what do you remember? It seems like the dialogue writers met at Landmark one day, Crossword the next until they figured Azad Maidan is the best place for dirty joke books. And so they went. And then wrote. And we have to endure.

The final 45 minutes are an endurance test. There isn’t much happening in Silk’s life except everything going wrong, but the amount of time and reel taken to emphasize this is staggering.

I wouldn’t call this a great movie. No, no. Not at all. It’s entertaining until start to yearn for more meat (in the movie, that is) and substance (in the dialogue).

Somewhere, I also got the feeling that the director/makers couldn’t quite make up their mind if despite the presentation they actually wanted to make a biopic or an arthouse film. It’s all very confusing.

Of course, as a viewer, the main question is whether it was worth the Rs 250 I spent. I’d say it was worth about Rs 150. That’s about a 3/5 rating!

Further to my previous post lauding your efforts, I now present proof to the naysayers about why you are right. It is absolutely essential we clamp down on these social networks that are increasingly getting to be a nuisance.

What right does any citizen have to clean up their city? Have they spoken to Mr Sibal for his approval yet? It is ridiculous to think that the Almighty, Mr Sibal, would not be notified of such deeds:

The Ugly Indians seem to be Bangalore’s answer to the Anna movement. But rather than pointing out all that is wrong with the system, the low-key group members are going about, simply showing how things can be righted. There is no finger-pointing, period. Instead of cribbing about the filth and blaming the lower-rung civil staff, the Ugly Indian has been busy “Spotfixing” in Bangalore. Self-funded volunteers who aggregate through the group’s website, email and Facebook page, descend on a particularly neglected (read, filthy) corner of the city where they each proceed to plough in and mend the spot.

And then, of course, there are people like @thecomicproject to whom nothing is sacred. It’s sacrilegious to even think of doing such things as below. This fellow, sir, Mr Sibal, deserves your wrath. A legal notice should suffice for now, though. (If you notice, sir, this comic fellow has a page on Facebook with over 1,200 followers. Imagine the havoc they could wreak after such provocation. Tsk.)

There is plenty of other rubbish being said about your Legalness on the Internet. Please know that I, your most humble servant, is bringing all this to you. I insist that you punish these lost souls through so many legal cases in obscure jurisdictions that they won’t even have Internet access to crib. That’ll show them. Heh!

Just some other people I think your Lordship should look to legally crush and curse:

Sudhir Tailang. What a trouble-maker. Who told him he could view his opinions?

And then there’s places like these. Sir, I bring you what is called a forum. Please don’t dirty your pious feet (or hands) by venturing into such subterranean places. I, your humble servant, shall do that digging for you.

Lastly, sir, there is this one image which I think will make you happy. We should, however, insist that the makers change the photo of the person to reflect your magnificent mug serene and peaceful face. It is only but natural that your all-pervading presence be incorporated by such lowlife companies as Google and Facebook.

Some smart-ass did this as a joke. But we will show them that the joke is on them. Won’t we sir? We will bring the above as a law. I suggest (or is praying better?) that the present situation in Parliament be used to ensure passage of a law that brings users of wallowing social network pits the above. Please, sir, please.

Yours humbly in service,

Aditya Kuber

So before I did anything stupid, I thought I’d check with you if I’m allowed to:

• Comment on the government’s recent FDI plans. I think the government as a whole could be personified and therefore my comments about FDI could, by transitivity, be implied to be about an individual and get me into trouble. In you all-knowing legalese, please advise.
• Comment on you recent stand about the proposed restrictions on social networks. After all, anything I say/write could be implied to be a direct comment on your almightiness. And I don’t, under any circumstances, want to incur your wrath, O Lordship.
• Comment on cinema, media, advertising, etc. Although I work in the field of communication, I am no longer sure what would be deemed appropriate by your Big Brotherness and would not, like before, want to incur your wrath and force you to further clamp down post my insignificant rants.
• Question Inquire with you about your thoughts for the protection of the individual on social media or through the media in general that is compelling you to gag the world so. Of course, I agree with your thoughts at all times for you are, of course, THE greatest legal mind in the country and have never uttered a word against anyone or ever been slanderous. Of course, being slanderous or libellous is not an option for a common man like myself for I do not possess your all-knowing legalese to defend myself. (Nor the money, but that’s besides the point here).

I request you to kindly enlighten me on the above. After all, I do see this as the future way we can publish our thoughts on public fora. You will need to approve all our thoughts.

I did have another point to laud your efforts, but please do not hesitate to chide me on my childishness if that is what the query seems like… Being in the public eye, the politician is subjected to criticism or ridicule across most democracies. They take it on the chin and the public feels like they have had their say. Of course, these democracies are run by Western idiots with no morals and whose public don’t need any saving. Thankfully we have you. After the scores of local moral police who have saved the country over the last few years, you sir, are a godsend to deliver us from the wallowing pit that is the social network. I must thank my luck to be alive in such free and revolutionary times.

May God (i.e., you) save India. Good luck, sir.

This email with sent to you because you have a publically listed email address and having looked at information available about your interests, we decided you might be interested in our newsletter. If this is not the case, please excuse the interruption to your day and let us know that you would prefer not to receive our newsletter in the future.

I don’t think the above notice absolves them of their wrongdoing – SPAM! And what the hell is a publicly listed email ID? Is there a directory that’s publicly accessible? Can I see it?

And, yes, dear metaplume.com, I don’t want to say “Please unsubscribe me” in my unsubscribe mail (seriously, no one-click unsub?). I want to use much harsher language. Words starting with f and m and the likes you probably didn’t know exist. Because you made me rant.

I run a digital agency. We send mailers on behalf of clients and for ourselves. We painstakingly maintain a subscriber list and guard it with our lives. We’ve had offers where one client wanted to send to another’s list. We refuse. All subscribers on all our lists are opt-in. This choice is given to them at the time of registration. Or they can opt-in later.

In the above case, I don’t even know what metaplume.com is (I did subsequently check it out and looks like an SEO farm of articles). Sounds like a polluting company. So far, they’ve lived up to their name on the Internet. Not cool.

The Story

I almost gave up the book during the first chapter. That our protagonist took about 6 pages to brew a cuppa tea, to me, seemed ominous. I dreaded the pace at which the book would progress. Mind you, I’m not averse to the tomes or the slow moving books, but this, for some reason, set alarm bells ringing.

Before long, though, we were in the world of Aum and Karna was telling us his story…

Unfolding in the mountains that seem to be located somewhere in the far north of India, the story is of one of Aum’s people who is born into his world. The premise is of a new land based on ability and meritocracy but one that also has its failings. Despite promoting the ideals of equality (every ‘brother’ in the land looks identical thanks to a mask, ergo Valley of Masks), the valley does have a hierarchy. From the Gentle Father down to the Helmsmen to the Wafadars to the Pathfinders to the Kiln and to the granaries… there is a place for everyone.

Women of the land – despite a woman being one of their revered Aum’s most trusted – are entrusted with only two duties: give birth and please the men. When one does go against the norm, she is found in the ‘Nest of the Unabled’ which is where our protagonist (by now, he has no name and is only a combination of numbers and letters) loses his faith and his belief.

Impressions

Graphically written, the book builds a beautiful valley where natural resources abound. The idea that being at harmony with nature will ensure nature provides for you does make an impact. Unfortunately, the idea that equality is the answer to the world’s problems is not tackled with great aplomb. Towards the end, the book seems to have been wrapped up rather hastily and the turning point of our hero’s life seems trite given the fact that he is almost a fundamentalist in his own world up until that point. For various reasons, the book reminded me of the TV series “Lost” at different junctures.

Conclusion

If you like to read complex plots and a slow moving narrative, this book is worth the read simply for its language. Few books by Indian authors have laid such emphasis on the quality of the prose. Tejpal’s journalistic background is perhaps the reason behind the emphasis he has laid on it. Rating a book is not a smart idea. We all have different reasons for liking or disliking this. I’m just going to end with a ‘Recommended Reading’ rating for The Valley of Masks.

The Hunger Games:

 The Iron Lady